A Train of Thought

“What are we to do when we realize that the only thing confining us is simply that, us. When religion nor science play a part in the way we live and develop ourselves. When we are simply let be. I believe great things could happen when we are allowed to delve into the liquid material that is thought. When we are able to explore all the knots that tie down the very fabrics that compose our own being. To look at each and every strand of the fiber in that knot and to discover that within one knot there is another. Another knot, made of another fiber that too longs to be seen and understood. Such a horrendous masterpiece the human mind. A device created to infer what others around it infer about it. One seamless loop continually progressing through time linking all things together, real or fictitious to form one solid state. Being.”-Joshua Deaton

Tonight I return to a place I never should have been. I find my self within a haze of guilt and regret, that no optimism could ever penetrate. Self pity and self anguish. Two human words that could barely describe what I was experiencing. I sat on the ledge listening for a direction in which I was being called. Nothing spoke to me, I could not interpret any signals. I was alone. Or was that just it? Was the lack of signs or the silence itself a sign? Then I thought to myself, what am I expecting? What am I waiting for? Why wait for someone or something to tell you what to do when everything inside of you is screaming the answer. “Run!” I ran. I ran with everything in me. I ran until it seemed my worthless bones would snap if I were to take another step. I stopped and gazed around my environment scanned every inch of area within sight. To my dismay I found my self in the exact location of where I had began my animal like panic. What had become of me? I was never this frantic, always level headed, the guy to go to when the world had abandoned you. Now it seems as if the world couldn’t be further away from me. From my window I can see it. Every laugh every smile every tear and every frown. All the aspects of life were playing out right in front of me and I could feel nothing. I’m just stuck in this stagnant world of nothing. Trapped behind walls I can’t see and bound by chains I can’t feel. I’m the prisoner of a war that takes place within my own self. Allowed no color only black and white, half empty glasses and a reality where things only are, and are far from the way they should be. This a revolution, a revolution of thought. Just as the colonies defeated the tyranny of England, I shall defeat and end the reign of the monsters that have so easily occupied my mind. This will not be peaceful nor violent, it simply will be. No one can stop this. It has been woven directly into the fabrics that compose my own being.”

Where did all the time go, I open my eyes and all I see is black dark deep desolate black. My head starts to spin, I feel like all of my body is falling apart. Nothing makes sense yet nothing ever seemed any clearer. I was dead. Done. Zip gone . I was lost though, lost in a state of mind that I had never perceived before. Where was I to go? Where am I being called? There was no light but there were no flames. It seemed to me as if I were trapped within the repelling forces of two super magnets, every part of me felt like caving in. The whole world had crashed into me. I never thought it would be like this. This is not what I had studied, this is not what I had been taught. This was never how it was supposed to be.

Have you ever been stuck in a thought? You are sitting there thinking about a thought and realize the only escape is to use another thought to get out of that thought. It’s quite a common occurrence in my lifestyle, and a rather scary thought when you think about it. You are stuck in a location in your mind. A firing neuron sends an electric pulse to a specific spot in your brain and creates a thought, if something, one little thing happen to fuck up in your brain you would be trapped in that thought for the rest of your involuntary bodily functional life. Maybe that’s how retards are born? They are just trapped in a thought . Stuck in one single thought their entire existence. On the flip side, they are a genius in that one aspect of the universe. If we could crack one of those “oxygen thieves” brains open we could perhaps discover some very intriguing things. Oh retards gotta love them. I was given a spanking almost 7 times of 7 days of every week. I’m confused if it was for discipline or not but my neighbor told me it was something it was something he was “supposed to do” whatever that means. Hehe

Did you know that windows are a type of conformity? Yeah! Everybody has them! Well almost everyone. Everyone but the poor. What poor people. They will always be looked down upon for there lack of windows. Nevermind their dirty loathsome exterior or the way they can put a smell in a room that would make a nazi soldier cover his nose. But to not have windows is to much! Especially if your a conformist, which I’m not, I just thought the point should be made. Carrots are supposed to make your vision better, I call bullshit. I have been eating carrots day in and day out and my vision is still only 20/20! What’s a guy to do? Yesterday, was a momentous day for me. I found myself. Not the person deep inside of me who you are supposed to find so you can make good decisions and know what direction you want to travel in so you can become successful. More like I found myself in something else! A bestfriend finally! He is so awesome just like me! Loyal, lazy, outgoing intelligent, cunning, fast, sneaky. If you guessed a fox then you’re right! I have been doing research lately on foxes and realized that I wanted one for myself. So I was driving down the road right? You don’t really know if I was, I just found it pleasureful to propose a question that you can’t honestly answer without lying. Anyways, I saw this fox playing in the middle of the road and saw my opportunity to snatch him up. So I sped up and splat! Dead on the spot. It was so easy from there I just loaded him up, stuffed him and placed him right next to my girlfriend. “Two in one day!” I say as I pet my newly found companion. What to do next?

The music started blasting in my ears, it felt as if my ears were going to cry those red tears of mine. I couldn’t hear or percept anything around me. I’m so overwhelmed by the sounds emitting from my very cranium. It was As if my brain had become tuned into the most awful radio station. A tear fell soon followed by one more then another and another. The cycle continued until he had filled up his entire bath tub with this warm liquid that had a smell almost similar to iron. I was completely deaf at this point when out of nowhere I was ripped up out of my body and found myself siting on my throne. Nothing different, everything was out of place, knocked down, ripped apart. If you haven’t figured out that this is a regular occurrence, well I guess you do now. There was a doctor at the grocery store yesterday he was purchasing a small intricate product of no value or purpose. I asked him what it was,”what is this?” I asked. He said it was none of my business what it was. “it’s none of your business what this is!” he said. So I never found out. I like to imagine that one day science will be able to mutate me into a part lion, part house cat, part wolf, part dog. Wouldn’t that be strange? Maybe not. Maybe it’s just me. But you might agree. Please do. I don’t like to be alone. It makes me feel lonely. I’m usually alone these days, my girlfriend broke up with me about a year ago. I caught her in bed with another man. I had no intention of letting her go, it was very apparent when I did. Because she didn’t say much she just kind of laid there until I left. But enough about death, let us continue.

Life in eyes of a house fly is rather mind-blowing thing when you think about it. All this space for a creature so small. Mole hills would be mountains, and gardens would be like cities So I went to sleep last night and couldn’t stop thinking about the remarkable odor emitting from my downstairs, it smelt of cottage cheese combined with the mortified and mangled body of a three year olds soft parts. We didn’t actually sacrifice a toddler but we did give the smell of our leaky plumbing that description. I thought it needed to be recognized.. A swordfish flew into the window of our beach house yesterday. A truck carrying the swordfish sign for the local Filipino cafe came crashing threw the window. It was rather earth shattering it landed on my minted limited edition Abraham Lincoln figurine, knocked his nose clean off with the razor sharp point of its sword. Things to do places to be I’m so busy these days with all the timber I have been cutting lately, I’m not necessarily building anything or burning it even. A man came up to me the yesterday of today and asked me would I clear cut his field and something told me I should do it. That something just happened to be my empty stomach. I’m so hungry I said to no one. Not even myself. It was just an idea that I didn’t understand and something that no one else knew or even cared to know about. I’m so nervous right now I have that gut wrenching sensation of apprehension. I feel like something is coming, something bad. I realized that feeling was just my bowels positioning themselves for the brown child I was to push out later. The moment of it’s release was rather embarrassing. There I was residing on my throne looking over my four walled kingdom and in comes a rather scraggly looking fellow. He was screaming his head off I tell you! He was dressed in women’s attire, a very lavish blue and white dress that his shoulders and chest filled out very nicely, below that he had heels on. White, a pure white. Whiter than bone, but let’s get back to the point.

So I was at the gas station the other day and this guy asked me had I been doing heroin? Before I could answer in ran a naked man. I soon noticed the two moles on his chest. The closer I looked the more I could see the discolored skin on his moles. “This man must have cancer!”I thought to myself. I should recommend him to my dermatologist. He gives great foot massages. You know the kind with the mint oil, and scented candles that remind you of your grandmas house how you used to play in the snow on those long winter days. You would come inside to your grandmother with fresh baked ginger bread cookies and you would sit on that warm cozy uncomfortable couch and play your gameboy while she made magic on your poorly cared for pedestrial parts of your lower limbs. But enough about aunt jemimah, I thought to myself outloud. Back to the situation at hand. We were sitting under the balcony stranded on an island and we noticed the gentle force of the winds slowly caressing our smooth yet not overly lotioned faces. In retrospect that was probably just the force coming off the hundreds of jet airplanes that fly in every day. I read in the funnypapers a couple of days ago that the military is testing new airplanes. Aliens aliens! Thats all they ever say. I wonder if there real I wonder if we should worry like they tell us we should? But how real are the things we hear everyday? What is real? As a boy I was told god is real, by a priest. The same priest that told me he wanted to get weird with some holy water.. Lets move on please?